My blood were flowing by a drop of terrible poison. My entrails are burning and I lost all of my memory. For a moment, the dreadful poison killed my humanity, besides (this is the thing I have desire) it removes the dogma which made me hallucinate — a severe hallucinations: A God for my anger, a God for my unfulfilled lust, a God for my ambition from A,B,C, to Z, God that becomes Me! I can rule Him once I revive from nothingness.
I remember when ichor goes up into my throat. I’m chocking, but I can’t cry out. This is how I decaying- My brain shrinks squeezed by man-made law– The law which makes me crippled in degrees called filthy. I swallowed all that is named the terror when something strangle my neck. I can not define it. There was no rat which sliver my head, or… worms, or maggots, germs, viruses, voodoo, ebola… How would I end this suffer? O, demons! Why don’t you send me back to my mother’s womb? Such as the backwards flow: a 9 months baby in the tummy will narrow to 6 months, 3 months, then return to be fetus (that easy aborted if she wants it) then back again, she never *censored sign* and voila! My mother back into a virgin.
Enough! This is my punishment.– Trapped in life with its eternal damnation. Ah! I was gouging the tumor in my face before those people stabbing with their most advance deprecating words. I called them people with parasite and herpes within their mouth. O, Lord! I should tell you how they were born. Adam, only do a finger play to the Eve. Meantime the snake was the one who planted the seed in her holy womb. Thus, the children grow with the poison throughout their veins. Blessed be the sons and daughters, blessed be!
I never need to conform with pain and this endless torment. In fact my body had become corpse before knowing the taste of death. This is how I decaying– with the horror of my deformities that existed even before prophet and savior come into the world.
2013-2014, Citra Sasmita
Her Schizophrenic Diary 